apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
