Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
