your parents love me but you hate me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
