I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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