i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
