i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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