I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
