If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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