I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize