I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
