Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
