i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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