How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
