My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
