I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize