She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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