It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
