last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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