my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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