I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize