Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
