I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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