this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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