True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize