she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
