I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
