the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm too high and old for this...
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