last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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