I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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