my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They have beer where we have blood.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
