9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize