I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
