You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
