i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
