I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
