Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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