just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
