I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
