I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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