My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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