what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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