If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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