I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
