Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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