So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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