All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
