Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
