with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize