you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize