Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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