I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize