Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
