the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
A+ Viking dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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