i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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