Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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