ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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