I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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