Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
