I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
