How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize