i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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