take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize