Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize