I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
