Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
