I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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