Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
