I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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