Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
