Where are you?
In a non slutty way
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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