I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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